Friday, January 23, 2009

Our Secret that is NO more...

The word is starting to get I thought I would clarify things and let everyone know. It is allot easier this way-since there are so many questions and people are not sure how to ask or what to do. Some people feel this is a very private thing. But, as many of you know I am an "open book" sometimes-- and am willing to share intimate things with close friends (to a point of course). I also want to have this recorded in a journal--
Dan and I had a SECRET: We were going to be expecting our 5th child in early September. We rejoiced in this news as we are now 'open' to the idea for the first time since having Dacie. It would have been our biggest "break", so to speak, in between having children.
When we started to have large numbers of children we decided to keep this news on the 'low-down' until I started showing, just to avoid speculation, comments, and to help the time seem to pass faster (HOWEVER we NEEDED the FULL 9 months to get ready!). I also am the assistant girls camp director with my stake calling and was STILL going to camp--and wanted to avoid all the worry!
The first week after discovering our secret went great. But during the second week I started spotting. I thought little of it at first since I spotted a day or two with Dacie BUT NEVER with any of my others. When the spotting continued for more then a week and cramping set it--I knew that I may be miscarrying.
At 6 weeks into the pregnancy I knew that something was definitely not right. However, I also felt the best I had since I had discovered I was pregnant. I had a BIG YW/YM mini-conference that weekend, so the timing was not great. Our Presidency was so supportive and kind about me having to flake out the day of for a little while.
On Monday I went to the doctor and they were excited that I was still registering pregnant, and there was a little hope. BUT after an ultrasound it was confirmed that I was having what they call a complete spontaneous abortion (I don't like that terminology).
People have ask how I have been. Really, I have been at PEACE since it first started happening. This is something that is absolutely out of my hands.If something is not right with the pregnancy or the baby I would MUCH rather have it happen now than later. I realize that I am "lucky" that my miscarriages happen at the beginning and not to far into my pregnancies, if they are not working out (this is my 2nd miscarriage-I have 2 children and then miscarry). However, I did have longer this time to embrace the idea. I had one hard night of it, and by the next morning I was OK. I was grateful the worst happened over the weekend while Dan was home.
One of my friends described some of my feelings perfectly--as she had a similar experience, but her pregnancy kept. "I have felt that empty feeling. The feeling that my body betrayed me, and the guilt over the slight relief (if that makes sense-relief that my body was taking care of a fetus that should not have worked out, but guilt over that too.) "
I am still going through the process of making this complete, and it may take some months to have it completely healed. I also may need some medical intervention, but for now my body is taking care of it. I feel like after I have had a baby, and my body has taken longer recovering after my last 2 pregnancies--so I expect this to be no different. Emotionally/Hormonally I am doing good. I do spontaneously cry at moments-like during a newborn baby commercial last night. I feel like I am in a funk at times, but OVERALL-- I am GREAT!
Really I am at peace, I am good and I look forward to the future.
I have felt an outpouring of kindness and sincere concern. This situation is so minor compared to so many things other people have to face, but it is a testimony to me that I am surrounded by GOOD friends and family who absolutely support me regardless of the level of hardship--and I feel genuinely LOVED. That is the BEST feeling to have.
I realize that I have been behind on posting and other things, but I realize why as well.
SO you want to hear our next BIGGEST secret? I am going to apply to be on BIGGEST LOSER!!! I am hyped soooo...Yeah, look for me on TV! Or further posts to let you know how my application is coming.


Trezise Momma said...

I am so sorry, but I am glad that you feel at peace. Baby number 5 will come, but this was not his or her time. Good luck with the Biggest Loser application. I don't like the name of that show, so I have never watched it. But if you are on it, you can bet I will be glued, cheering you on the whole way. We are thinking of you.

Ana said...

Alicia! I cannot imagine what you went/are going through! I'm sorry, sad, glad (that you are good!)... tons of emotions for you! When I FINALLY got prego with the boys, I remember praying and telling Heavenly Father that if I was meant to miscarry (I had been cramping) then I was just grateful to have been pregnant at all!! Thank you for sharing... HUGS!

THE ORMES said...

I'm glad you're feeling good about it. One of the biggest blessings from my miscarriage was knowing that Heavenly Father loved me and would bring me peace no matter what. For all of the difficulties of a miscarriage, when we turn to God, we can see and feel all of the blessings that can come with that hardship.

Hopefully your body will heal well and hopefully we'll get to see you on the Biggest Loser. I love that show. It's so amazing to see the people choose to make such a huge change in their lives. Good luck!!!

Tara said...

Isn't it amazing how we as mothers are so attached to our children even when they are little jelly beans. It means you are a good mom who loves and cares for her children.
It's also amazing to look back and see how we are strengthened as we muster our way through trials and difficult experiences. I love and miss you!
p.s. Do you need a "loser" buddy??!?

peterson pack said...

Alicia, I am so very sorry. Trials are hard and you are a strength for me. You are blessed to have so many friends and family near you for support. You are in my prayers.

The Greers said...

Oh sweetie! I wish I was there to give you a big hug, make you dinner, and take care of your kids for a day. You are in my prayers.
It's funny that you mentioned the biggest losser. The girl that is staying for the green team reminds me of you! Just how shes so funny, strong and cute.
Take care of yourself

The Travis' said...

Hey Alicia,
I am so sorry to hear what you guys have been going through. You have a great attitude about it and it just goes to show what a wonderful person you are!!!
Talk to you soon.

Wendi said...

Hey Alicia! You are such an amazing woman- beautiful, strong, and such an awesome mother. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, but glad to hear that you understand and are at peace. It's a tragic thing for any mother to have to go through. Someday we'll know why!
ps- Biggest Loser Rocks! You would be the most rad girl on the show! I'm seriously rooting that you get in!

TexasTwinsTwice said...

Oh Alicia--I'm so sorry to hear this! =( I know you've been through this before, but I would think that would make it harder, not easier. I'm so sorry! I admire your positive attitude & outlook. Obviously you are one strong spirit/woman to be given this challenge. I'm glad that you are handling it all so well.

And yay for 'The Biggest Loser' application. That sounds cool--but I've said it before & I'll say it again: "You're pretty no matter what!!!!" I've never watched the show (the name sounds mean to me), but I hear it's really amazing and neat, so I hope you get to do it!

Emily said...

Oh Alicia, I had no idea that you were pregnant or that it took this turn. I'm so sorry. I have never had to deal with this kind of thing (other than being told I'd never have children in the first place) I think I would lose my mind for awhile and I would definitely burst into tears spontaneously. You guys need to do go on a date with us sometime. (Not that we can make you feel better, but you guys are so dang fun)

McOmberFam said...

Hutchings... you are amazing! Seriously! Such a wonderful example. Thank you for sharing your story. I really appreciate it. I'm so glad to hear that you're doing well and feeling at peace with everything. I know a lot of people that struggle and become depressed from miscarrying and are never happy again after the fact. That little spirit just wasn't ready to come yet huh? He/she was going to miss Heavenly Father and Mother too much! ;-) I love you girl and I'm praying for you. But what's up with you trying to get on the Biggest Loser? How are you even going to be able to qualify? You look beautiful and great just as you did 10 years ago. I love the show though. It's amazing! Good luck with that venture.

Angie said...

How in the world did I miss this post? I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I love the attitude you are taking. You are a strong woman and mother. I believe many times our bodies know if a fetus isn't developing correctly, even if our minds and emotions are in turmoil about it. Your sweet little #5 is waiting his/her turn when the time is right.

princessyaya52 said...

I love you Stinky Feet! :o)