The word is starting to get out...so I thought I would clarify things and let everyone know. It is allot easier this way-since there are so many questions and people are not sure how to ask or what to do. Some people feel this is a very private thing. But, as many of you know I am an "open book" sometimes-- and am willing to share intimate things with close friends (to a point of course). I also want to have this recorded in a journal--
Dan and I had a SECRET: We were going to be expecting our 5th child in early September. We rejoiced in this news as we are now 'open' to the idea for the first time since having Dacie. It would have been our biggest "break", so to speak, in between having children.
When we started to have large numbers of children we decided to keep this news on the 'low-down' until I started showing, just to avoid speculation, comments, and to help the time seem to pass faster (HOWEVER we NEEDED the FULL 9 months to get ready!). I also am the assistant girls camp director with my stake calling and was STILL going to camp--and wanted to avoid all the worry!
The first week after discovering our secret went great. But during the second week I started spotting. I thought little of it at first since I spotted a day or two with Dacie BUT NEVER with any of my others. When the spotting continued for more then a week and cramping set it--I knew that I may be miscarrying.
At 6 weeks into the pregnancy I knew that something was definitely not right. However, I also felt the best I had since I had discovered I was pregnant. I had a BIG YW/YM mini-conference that weekend, so the timing was not great. Our Presidency was so supportive and kind about me having to flake out the day of for a little while.
On Monday I went to the doctor and they were excited that I was still registering pregnant, and there was a little hope. BUT after an ultrasound it was confirmed that I was having what they call a complete spontaneous abortion (I don't like that terminology).
People have ask how I have been. Really, I have been at PEACE since it first started happening. This is something that is absolutely out of my hands.If something is not right with the pregnancy or the baby I would MUCH rather have it happen now than later. I realize that I am "lucky" that my miscarriages happen at the beginning and not to far into my pregnancies, if they are not working out (this is my 2nd miscarriage-I have 2 children and then miscarry). However, I did have longer this time to embrace the idea. I had one hard night of it, and by the next morning I was OK. I was grateful the worst happened over the weekend while Dan was home.
One of my friends described some of my feelings perfectly--as she had a similar experience, but her pregnancy kept. "I have felt that empty feeling. The feeling that my body betrayed me, and the guilt over the slight relief (if that makes sense-relief that my body was taking care of a fetus that should not have worked out, but guilt over that too.) "
I am still going through the process of making this complete, and it may take some months to have it completely healed. I also may need some medical intervention, but for now my body is taking care of it. I feel like after I have had a baby, and my body has taken longer recovering after my last 2 pregnancies--so I expect this to be no different. Emotionally/Hormonally I am doing good. I do spontaneously cry at moments-like during a newborn baby commercial last night. I feel like I am in a funk at times, but OVERALL-- I am GREAT!
Really I am at peace, I am good and I look forward to the future.
I have felt an outpouring of kindness and sincere concern. This situation is so minor compared to so many things other people have to face, but it is a testimony to me that I am surrounded by GOOD friends and family who absolutely support me regardless of the level of hardship--and I feel genuinely LOVED. That is the BEST feeling to have.
I realize that I have been behind on posting and other things, but I realize why as well.
SO you want to hear our next BIGGEST secret? I am going to apply to be on BIGGEST LOSER!!! I am hyped soooo...Yeah, look for me on TV! Or further posts to let you know how my application is coming.